We are pleased to announce our new season, full of fantastic new productions. Every Advent week has a theme (Goddess, Virgin, Mother and Whore), which relates to the productions each week.
Part of the fun is trying to figure out which opera belongs to which theme, because they are just all so chock-full of virgins, mothers and whores, each and every one!
IT’S GODDESS WEEK, EVERYONE!
Dec 1: Die Zauberflöte (Mozart)
Deranged man blows on a wooden phallus for an entire opera, accompanied by a friend dressed like a chicken. They acquire helpless women.
Dec 2: The Snow Maiden (Rimsky-Korsakov)
Naive force of nature sacrifices herself for love and nobody is really sad about it.
Dec 3: Cendrillon (Massenet)
Slave whose weak, rich father does nothing to protect her is saved by a magical pumpkin.
Second Advent is VIRGIN WEEK
Dec 4: La Wally (Catalani)
Swiss egg thief throws herself into an avalanche on Christmas.
Dec 5: Lucia di Lammermoor (Donizetti)
In Sweden, St. Lucia brings the light to dark December days. In 17th Century Scotland, she has a murderous psychotic break after being sold into marriage by her jerky brother.
Dec 6: The Gift of the Magi (Conte)
Poor couple completely fails active listening and squanders everything to prove to each other that they are THE MOST LOVING.
Dec 7: Turandot (Puccini)
Shrill virgin terrorises multiple ethnic populations with her sexual frustration.
Dec 8: Die Entführung aus dem Serail (Mozart)
Soft-porn terrorist rape fantasy.
Dec 9: Eugene Onegin (Tchaikovsky)
Depressed asshole chooses social propriety over any human emotion.
Dec 10: The Nutcracker (Ballet – Tchaikovsky)
Lonely rich children imagine that banquet sweets are their friends.
The third advent is MOTHER WEEK
Dec 11: Amahl and the Night Visitors (Menotti)
Starving mother and child hallucinate royalty. The son dies.
Dec 12: Jenůfa (Janáček)
Ethically bereft and drunken Czech villagers play incest roulette and maim one another, freeze babies in icy rivers, etc., etc., etc.
Dec 13: Werther (Massenet)
Histrionic man finally kills himself after a year of pining for an unavailable woman.
Dec 14: Don Carlos (Verdi)
A king tries to use organised religion to achieve political goals and is surprised when that doesn’t go as planned.
Dec 15: War and Peace (Prokofiev)
Society and political types make devastating world events about their personal discomfort over 11 scenes.
Dec 16: Hansel und Gretel (Humperdinck)
If you eat enough candy, you will hallucinate about murdering your shitty parents in a gingerbread house.
Dec 17: The Messiah (Oratorio – Händel)
At at least one point, lots of singing about sheep.
The fourth and final advent: WHORE WEEK
Dec 18: La traviata (Verdi)
High-class hooker dies of a communicable disease while everyone confuses hotness with morality.
Dec 19: Vanessa (Barber)
A vampire returns to one of his many nests to toy with a family of spinsters and pick up a food source for the road.
Dec 20: Lulu (Berg)
Complicated Girl Scout Jamboree for Disadvantaged Inner City Girls goes terribly, terribly wrong.
Dec 21: La Bohème (Puccini)
Freezing artists don’t get any funding for their proposals. Oh wait, they do, but they spend it all on alcohol, and the weakest one dies.
Dec 22: Der Rosenkavalier (Strauss)
Cross-dressing lesbian love triangle.
Dec 23: Jesus Christ Superstar (Webber)
Recruitment tool for hip young.
Dec 24: Holiday Extravaganza (various new compositions)
After the presents are open and all the lights on the Hannukkah bush are blown out, come relax by the fire with festive new holiday compositions based on all the beloved classics. New works for all holiday occasions related to Christmas.